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Category Archives: I’m kind of serious.

Why I couldn’t be a murderer

Other than the fact that it’s wrong and illegal and stuff, this is why I could never take a human life:

I was leaving church and there was a frog in the exit of the parking lot. I tried to go over it where it was in the middle of my car but I’m pretty sure when my front tires passed it, it jumped and my back tire got him.  I got out to check on him after I passed him and he was smashed. By me! I killed him!! He probably had a family. He was just hopping along being all froggy and here I came, a big giant murderer and ended it for him.

And then I Cried.

Don’t you love how I take like a year off from blogging, come back and blog about murder again? Welcome back y’all. (I hope there is a y’all I’m talking to and that I’m not just blogging to myself. At least I know Kristin will read this. Hi!)

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Let’s just hope they don’t make a Zombie Vaccine

Don’t they say that we create the future that’s predicted? Like when people predict trouble in the stock market, people start selling their stocks which basically causes the crash they predicted? What if all this Zombie talk has scientists in their labs trying to create zombies? I know there’s that flower that makes zombie ants, so I bet there are scientists out there trying to replicate it in rats or something.  I think we should all keep an eye on the local rats to make sure they aren’t running around all dead and stuff.  I’m sure they’ll say they’re trying to come up with possibilities for how they’ll be created so they can cure the zombie disease when it actually happens.  But that’s not true…Did they not learn from Frankenstein? Science CAN go wrong, and it CAN become something you can’t control.  I hope the government has some sanctions on zombie creating…in fact, if the military is having zombie training exercises then I bet they already know the hows and the whens of the upcoming zombie apocalypse. The government is sneaky like that.  Guess I should get some zombie bullets, and some various weaponry in case of an outbreak.  I read that the safest place to go would be a military base so perhaps I’ll do that….I hope they have twinkies…wait…nevermind.

Maybe they will make a vaccine you can get to prevent you from getting the zombie bug…like the flu shot. But if it works anything like the flu shot they have now,  then the vaccine will just cause the zombie apocalypse because I’m pretty sure the vaccine for the flu causes the darn flu.  I’m sort of anti flu shot, if you haven’t guessed.

I just googled Zombie Rats and found that they do exist….are you kidding me, science??

I Bet Ventriloquists Don’t Get Kidnapped

Usually when someone is going to take you, they’ll cover your mouth with their hands, or put a gag in your mouth to keep you quiet.  But ventriloquists can be just as loud with their mouth closed as I can be with my mouth open.  They can even articulate words and sentences without moving their mouth, so I bet it’s pretty hard to kidnap a ventriloquists and keep them quiet.  They could even yell in different voices to make people who could hear think there are several people being held hostage so they’ll speed up the rescue process.  They could probably even throw their voice to sound like cops are outside threatening the kidnapper.  They could yell things like “we’ve got you surrounded” “release the hostage and all your requests will be met”, you know, things like that. 

I should probably start working on my ventriloquists skills just to ensure my safety.

Every marriage needs a healthy dose of fear

When I recently wrote about how badly I want a kitten, I really didn’t think Chris took my kitten threat seriously. However, yesterday he told me that he has stress because every day when he comes home he doesn’t know if there is going to be a kitten here. I am not really sure where or how this came up in our conversation over dinner, but it did and it was wonderful. It’s good to have something in your life to keep you on your toes. I’m home alone all day, so it is fully possible that I will find a kitten on my lunchtime run, or maybe I’ll be buying dog food at the pet store and they’ll be having a kitten sale. I actually found a kitten when we were on vacation in California a few days ago. I was mid conversation in the kitchen with a couple family members, and I saw this little black and white ball of adorable walk across the sitting area outside and I said Ohhh Kitten, and walked outside. I fully expected the cat to run from me because they usually do, but this one meowed a sad little sound and let me play with it! It was so cute and sweet and you could tell that it recently had a human family because you could see the indentation in it’s fur from a collar. I would pet it, and it would roll back on it’s back and play with me and even today I am reminded of my little furry friend when I look at the scratches all over my hand. Cats are fiesty like that. They’re like oh I love you, pet me but don’t get to comfortable, remember I have sharp claws, see? I told Chris I needed to find a way to smuggle it on the airplane. I could just zip it up in my giant purse and be like shhhh kitty, just stay here under the seat, we’ll be home soon. And then we would live happily every after.

I mean, I doubt he would kill a kitten.

After my wonderful cat, Otis, ran away to live some wonderful, fancy life with his cat friends (at least that’s what I tell myself happened to him) I was kind of OK with only having dogs for awhile. I was about to get married, and move away and I knew that our future land lord would prefer if his new tenants only came with two dogs and that the move would be easier with just two animals. However, lately I have been really wanting a snuggly little kitten. One I can let sleep on my head, and purr in my ear. So I decided to broach the subject with Chris.

Me: I want a kitten
Chris: No. Sorry.
Me: But they’re so cute. And I miss cuddling with Otis <—- that part was me trying to get him to feel bad for my loss
Chris: Jake and Max will cuddle
Me: When we own our own home, I will be more persistent.

That was the end of that conversation, but I was not kidding about being more persistent/annoying about it in the future. However, I started thinking (dangerous ground, I know) if I got a kitten…an ADORABLE, AWESOME kitten, what’s he going to do about it? Sure, he’ll be mad and he might try to convince Max it’s a chew toy, but seriously, he’s not going to leave me or kill the kitten. He would just have to deal with the new addition to our family. He would fall in love with that kitten, he just doesn’t know it yet. That cat will become his best friend. That’s probably what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid he will love that kitten so much that he won’t have any more room in his heart for me. But it’s ok honey, I know that a cute kitten can steal your heart and I won’t take offense. He hasn’t been around cats enough to know that they can be really freakin’ awesome creatures. If they weren’t, there wouldn’t be an LOLCats website with tons of funny cat pictures. Cat’s are awesome and if you don’t realize that, then you yourself are not awesome.

Anyway, I’m going to get a kitten and I’m going to hide it in the house, and when Chris finds it, I will just tell him it’s an odd looking dog with a strange sounding bark that I inherited from a relative I didn’t know I had, but I have to keep it because it’s family.

Shhhh…don’t tell Chris.

High Fives for Everybody

When someone in your life passes on, it makes you think about life and death and what type of impact you’re making on the people in your life. It makes you think of how people will speak of you when your time comes. It makes you wonder how you are being viewed by the people around you. I want to make an impression on the people in my life. I want to be known as someone who had a great deal of patience with others, was kind-hearted and was a spot of sunshine in the lives of those I’ve encountered. I want to be an inspiration to others, and show that having a heart full of Christ is awesome and changes life (and death) for the better.

I also want to be remembered for being funny and finding the humor in all things.

When this life of mine is no more, I want to be positioned in the casket with my right hand up so everyone that comes up can give me high-five. When people walk past my body at the end of the funeral, they will want to cry because I’m sure life without me in it will be unbearable, but then they will be like, Oh she’s giving me a high-five. That’s cool. And they’ll laugh and think “that Sara, always makin’ me laugh, she’s so ridiculous”. And then they’ll tell Chris that I was probably joking when I said I want to be in the casket with my hand up for high-five’s but it’s ok, because it WAS pretty funny and I’m probably laughing from heaven, telling Jesus that I just got 500 people to high-five my dead body. Yes, 500 people will miss me enough to come to my funeral. If only 50 people show up, then my family needs to go out and find 450 more people and bring them along to mourn me. I mean high five me.

I’ve been obsessed with death for a long time apparently

If you’ve ever been reading my blog and wondered “where did her obsession with violence come from?” Well I think I figured it out.

You know those Childrens Bibles that are always in the Doctors office? They’re like large and blue? Well, mine were. I don’t know what color your doctor office childrens Bibles were. When I would go to the doctor as a child, I would always flip straight to the Abraham and Issac story where Abraham follows the direction of God and takes Isaac up to Mt. Moriah to sacrifice him. The picture was of Isaac laying on the altar and Abraham standing over him holding a knife above his head. If you don’t know the story, don’t worry, God stopped Abraham before he killed him. It’s a good story, look it up.

So, apparently I was obsessed with death (threat of death) even as a child. Now I watch Law and Order episodes every day. I love to watch murder mystery shows. I expect danger everywhere. I see things out of place or hear strange noises and assume the worst. I saw a little hack saw in the wooded area while I was jogging yesterday and I looked around for a body. I try to come up with scenarios for what could have happened. So yeah, I’m basically out of my mind and have always been that way.

Oh yes, I AM blogging about this Christopher

Don’t you hate it when you try to pants your husband but then it backfires because he sprays you in the face with his deodorant?

Oh, that’s never happened to you?

Weird.

It happened to me today and let me tell you that was not nearly as painful as I thought it would be. My eyes watered a lot, and it didn’t taste good and maybe my lungs are on the verge of collapsing from inhaling deoderant. Basically, I laid out the story start to finish in the first sentence so I’m not really sure how to explain it. So this isn’t even really a whole post. It’s more like a long twitter post. And also an online record of me getting deodorant sprayed in my face in case I die of some really strange ailment and no one can figure it out. It was in an orange can. I’m not sure what it’s called because Chris won’t tell me and I’m too blind to go look at the can.

In case the previous paragraph or two wasn’t enough for you, I walked the dogs in a see through tank top today. Totally not on purpose. It wasn’t until we had passed some people a family with children that I realized I could see through my shirt. So I asked Chris if he could see through my shirt and he quickly said yep.
Thanks. I’ve been outside in this tank top for like 2 hours WITH YOU, and you didn’t notice before now? Awesome.

Other irrational fears I have

I have a serious fear of breaking my own neck. I’m actually afraid to pop my neck. You know how some people pull their neck to the side and it pops so loud you start to dial 911? Yeah, I can’t do that. My husband pops his neck like that all the time and I’m just waiting for the day that he falls limp and I’ll have to tell my paralyzed husband “I told you so”. I banned him from doing it while driving, because that’s just putting both of our lives at risk.

In the shower a couple of days ago, I had a neck pain and I felt like I needed to pop my neck. So I tried, but I just couldn’t get it to pop because I felt like if I pulled any further I would paralyze myself. Then I started thinking what would happen if I did break my own neck? Chris would call 911 but then they would think he did it because I would probably be the first person in the history of ever to break her own neck with her own hands. That would be so awful knowing that Chris didn’t do it, but there I was dead or paralyzed or comatose or something that made me unable to tell the cops that I did this to myself. So, I just didn’t pop my neck. There was too much at risk.

Oh, one more irrational fear? I’m highly afraid that my nose will get shoved into my brain. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger did that once in a movie where he hit the guy with the heel of his hand in the nose and it shoved something into his brain and he died instantly. So, basically I try really hard not to get hit in the nose with stuff. Once Chris and I were goofing around and he accidentally hit my in the nose with his arm in sort of an upward motion and I freaked out and he was like what the heck is wrong with you, you would have to get hit really hard for a hit in the nose to kill you. People break their nose all the time. And I was like, no, it’s all about angles, Chris. You don’t know how much it would take to kill me through my nose. This is not a laughing matter. And then he was like ok crazy lady and then I was like LISTEN you’re the hulk, you could probably thump me in the nose and I would die, so just BE CAREFUL WITH ME.

Some of that was exaggerated, but I’m not really sure which parts because when your life is being threatened sometimes you forget things because you block out the trauma.

It’s all fun and games until somebody gets bit by a fish

Actual conversation with my husband. Actually, it’s a mostly one sided conversation where Chris just gives me strange looks because I am irrational. Obviously.

Chris: I almost bought the movie Jaws

Me: We don’t need that movie

Chris: Why not?

Me: I’m already afraid of the ocean. I don’t need anymore help with that

Chris: What? You’re afraid of the ocean, but you want to go to the ocean for vacation in August?

Me: Yes.

Chris: So, you aren’t getting in the ocean?

Me: A little

Me: I’m more likely to get in the ocean than I am to get in a lake

Chris: (strange look)

Me: I’m afraid of the lake

Chris: (more strange look but now it looks like if maybe he’s wondering what he got himself into with this marriage)

Me: I’m afraid of fish. I’m afraid they’ll bite me. And those hidden underwater trees? Those freak me out.

Chris: Is that why you don’t like to eat catfish?

Me: No, it’s already dead and can’t stab or bite me. I just don’t like to eat fish.

Chris: (continued strange looks)

Me: Also, I believe that there are snakes in lakes

Chris: There ARE snakes in lakes

Me: SEE?? I’m not getting in the lake. I was tortured as a child. The only way I’ll get in the lake is if I’m thrown off the tube. Which is why I’m really good at tube wars. I can stay on for a crazy long time. But when I get thrown off I float on my back and/or kick my legs and move my arms as much as possible so I scare the bitey animals.

Me. It’s a survival skill.

Chris: Why are we talking about lakes? We don’t even have plans to go to the lake.

Me: Stop judging me.