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Category Archives: people do weird things

I Bet Ventriloquists Don’t Get Kidnapped

Usually when someone is going to take you, they’ll cover your mouth with their hands, or put a gag in your mouth to keep you quiet.  But ventriloquists can be just as loud with their mouth closed as I can be with my mouth open.  They can even articulate words and sentences without moving their mouth, so I bet it’s pretty hard to kidnap a ventriloquists and keep them quiet.  They could even yell in different voices to make people who could hear think there are several people being held hostage so they’ll speed up the rescue process.  They could probably even throw their voice to sound like cops are outside threatening the kidnapper.  They could yell things like “we’ve got you surrounded” “release the hostage and all your requests will be met”, you know, things like that. 

I should probably start working on my ventriloquists skills just to ensure my safety.

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Excuse me, sir, but your tail is showing

I thought the weird people in California were in the major cities, but apparently I was mistaken.  Santa Barbara has interesting people, too.  It’s a beautiful city, and when I’m walking near the beach I should have been paying attention to the beautiful ocean and the shops, and the artists along the street, but no, I was distracted by the man with the tail in front of me.

I didn’t know squirrels wore flip flops

He looks like a perfectly normal dude walking down the street until you pan down towards the ground and see the tail.  Why? Why does he have a tail? I should have pulled it to see if it was real.  I wonder what he would have done…would he hit me? Yell at me? Scratch me with his hidden squirrel hands?  Maybe he should be on the My Strange Addiction show…maybe it’s deeper than just the tail.  It’s not like it was a full moon or anything, it was the  middle of the afternoon. Yes I know I’m posting this in October, near Halloween, but this picture was taken in August so you can’t argue that he was just dressing up for the holiday.

I mean, I doubt he would kill a kitten.

After my wonderful cat, Otis, ran away to live some wonderful, fancy life with his cat friends (at least that’s what I tell myself happened to him) I was kind of OK with only having dogs for awhile. I was about to get married, and move away and I knew that our future land lord would prefer if his new tenants only came with two dogs and that the move would be easier with just two animals. However, lately I have been really wanting a snuggly little kitten. One I can let sleep on my head, and purr in my ear. So I decided to broach the subject with Chris.

Me: I want a kitten
Chris: No. Sorry.
Me: But they’re so cute. And I miss cuddling with Otis <—- that part was me trying to get him to feel bad for my loss
Chris: Jake and Max will cuddle
Me: When we own our own home, I will be more persistent.

That was the end of that conversation, but I was not kidding about being more persistent/annoying about it in the future. However, I started thinking (dangerous ground, I know) if I got a kitten…an ADORABLE, AWESOME kitten, what’s he going to do about it? Sure, he’ll be mad and he might try to convince Max it’s a chew toy, but seriously, he’s not going to leave me or kill the kitten. He would just have to deal with the new addition to our family. He would fall in love with that kitten, he just doesn’t know it yet. That cat will become his best friend. That’s probably what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid he will love that kitten so much that he won’t have any more room in his heart for me. But it’s ok honey, I know that a cute kitten can steal your heart and I won’t take offense. He hasn’t been around cats enough to know that they can be really freakin’ awesome creatures. If they weren’t, there wouldn’t be an LOLCats website with tons of funny cat pictures. Cat’s are awesome and if you don’t realize that, then you yourself are not awesome.

Anyway, I’m going to get a kitten and I’m going to hide it in the house, and when Chris finds it, I will just tell him it’s an odd looking dog with a strange sounding bark that I inherited from a relative I didn’t know I had, but I have to keep it because it’s family.

Shhhh…don’t tell Chris.

Come Back! I just want to save you!

Why is it that everytime I see a stray dog I can’t find it when I go back to save it? Seriously, I just want to help them and they either run away from me or disappear. Last time I was in Dallas, I was driving home from work and saw a really sickly, starving puppy on the side of the highway. It was so close to the busy road, I wanted to get it in my car and take it to a shelter or wait with it until someone could come get it. I had just been to the store to get dog food for my dog, so I had it in the car and was going to feed the puppy. So, I circle around, but it takes awhile because it’s 2 highways intersecting, so it’s complicated getting back around. By the time I get there, the puppy is laying in the big grassy area between the highway and the service road. So I pull over, and get out of the car. Immediately the puppy gets up and I think yay! he’s going to come to me! But no, he runs away. He wants no part of the rescuing and it breaks my heart. So I find the number to animal control and of course they make it so complicated to report an animal, and one of the questions they ask is “is it a pitbull?” What the heck, I don’t know (but I think it was). If he is a pitbull, are you just going to let him die out here? Why does that matter? Then the lady says well, the repsonse time on something like this is 3 days. 3 DAYS? Completely ridiculous.

Today, I drove out of my street and saw 2 dogs coming out a nearby neighborhood. They looked well taken care of but didn’t have a collar. I was heading to the fitness center in the neighborhood, so I pulled into the parking lot to google the animal control people but I realized that the visitor center was right by me and they should have important phone #’s so I went over there. First thing the lady says is, well, you can put a posting on our neighborhood website that you found these dogs, but I don’t know how soon anyone would see that…Totally not helpful lady. Seriously? It’s going to be 95 degrees today. Then she gives me the animal control number. It’s been maybe 5 minutes since I saw the dogs so I decide to go look for them as I call animal control. I described the dogs and hopefully they’ll find them. And hopefully they’ll be chipped so their owner can be found. Anyway, I can’t find the dogs anywhere. I drove all over the close neighborhoods looking for them and they were nowhere. There was a school right near where I last saw them so hopefully they just went to play with the kids. That’s what I’ll believe. I should have just picked them up the minute I saw them and THEN tried to call the animal people. Lesson learned.

I also like to rescue turtles that try to cross the street but haven’t quite made it. The first one I saw was on his back next to the curb, so we pulled over, I got out and put the turtle in the grass. The second one I saw was walking across the road, so we stopped so I could hop out and carry it to the grass. As soon as I got out and put my hands on the turtle shell it turned toward me and started running at me and towards the middle of the road. Of course I shrieked and jumped and then I felt stupid because it’s a turtle, they’re totally not frightening creatures. So I tried to get the turtle again but contrary to common belief, that turtle was FAST and cars were starting to come down the road and we didn’t want to cause a traffic jam, so I just got back in the truck, and gave up because clearly the turtle wanted to be in the street. It was probably suicidal and didn’t appreaciate my help which is why he tried to chase me. I did notice as we pulled away that another car was stopping to try to help the turtle. I wonder if the turtle tried to attack them, too.

One more, but this doesn’t really count because it’s a plant and not something that can run away from me. A few days ago I saw a flowery plant laying on the side of the road in my neighborhood, and it looked like it had just been plucked out of the ground, so I continue to drive about 10 feet, and I see a hole in the middle of the landscaped area where that plant clearly came from. So I pull over, get the plant and re-plant it where it went. I don’t know why I feel the need to do things like this, but I didn’t like the idea that the plant had just been pulled out of the ground, and was left there to die. Our neighborhood landscape is pretty and I want to keep it that way. So anyway, I drove past it the next day, and that plant was laid over all wilted. Oh well, at least I tried.

High Fives for Everybody

When someone in your life passes on, it makes you think about life and death and what type of impact you’re making on the people in your life. It makes you think of how people will speak of you when your time comes. It makes you wonder how you are being viewed by the people around you. I want to make an impression on the people in my life. I want to be known as someone who had a great deal of patience with others, was kind-hearted and was a spot of sunshine in the lives of those I’ve encountered. I want to be an inspiration to others, and show that having a heart full of Christ is awesome and changes life (and death) for the better.

I also want to be remembered for being funny and finding the humor in all things.

When this life of mine is no more, I want to be positioned in the casket with my right hand up so everyone that comes up can give me high-five. When people walk past my body at the end of the funeral, they will want to cry because I’m sure life without me in it will be unbearable, but then they will be like, Oh she’s giving me a high-five. That’s cool. And they’ll laugh and think “that Sara, always makin’ me laugh, she’s so ridiculous”. And then they’ll tell Chris that I was probably joking when I said I want to be in the casket with my hand up for high-five’s but it’s ok, because it WAS pretty funny and I’m probably laughing from heaven, telling Jesus that I just got 500 people to high-five my dead body. Yes, 500 people will miss me enough to come to my funeral. If only 50 people show up, then my family needs to go out and find 450 more people and bring them along to mourn me. I mean high five me.

Also, I’m a coward

So, while I’m interested/obsessed with violent shows, when approached with a real life situation, I do nothing.

Real Life Example from years ago:

I lived at home and I was in my bedroom, fairly late at night, probably half asleep and I heard a gun shot coming from my parents room. So I creep out of my bedroom, down the hall to see if everything is ok…I get to the bedroom door and listen. I hear nothing. Then I start thinking oh my gosh, what if someone broke in? What would I do? If I walk in that room and confront a burgler, I won’t walk out alive. I’m not cut out for danger. I mean seriously, if they got my dad, who has guns and military training then what am I gonna do? I only have fists and knees and screams. I can’t protect the family.

So I went back to bed. I guess just to wait and see if the killer came and got me? Who knows. I should have ran out of the house. I really don’t know what I was thinking just going to bed. Maybe I thought it was just a dream. But it wasn’t and I know this because a couple days later I remembered the gunshot and asked my parents about it and it turns out my dad fired his gun by accident. He was cleaning it in the proper way where you have the gun pointed down and away from your body and it fired through the edge of the bed. So yeah, I totally DID hear a gun shot, and I totally did NOTHING about it. Because I’m a coward.

I’ve been obsessed with death for a long time apparently

If you’ve ever been reading my blog and wondered “where did her obsession with violence come from?” Well I think I figured it out.

You know those Childrens Bibles that are always in the Doctors office? They’re like large and blue? Well, mine were. I don’t know what color your doctor office childrens Bibles were. When I would go to the doctor as a child, I would always flip straight to the Abraham and Issac story where Abraham follows the direction of God and takes Isaac up to Mt. Moriah to sacrifice him. The picture was of Isaac laying on the altar and Abraham standing over him holding a knife above his head. If you don’t know the story, don’t worry, God stopped Abraham before he killed him. It’s a good story, look it up.

So, apparently I was obsessed with death (threat of death) even as a child. Now I watch Law and Order episodes every day. I love to watch murder mystery shows. I expect danger everywhere. I see things out of place or hear strange noises and assume the worst. I saw a little hack saw in the wooded area while I was jogging yesterday and I looked around for a body. I try to come up with scenarios for what could have happened. So yeah, I’m basically out of my mind and have always been that way.

Oh yes, I AM blogging about this Christopher

Don’t you hate it when you try to pants your husband but then it backfires because he sprays you in the face with his deodorant?

Oh, that’s never happened to you?

Weird.

It happened to me today and let me tell you that was not nearly as painful as I thought it would be. My eyes watered a lot, and it didn’t taste good and maybe my lungs are on the verge of collapsing from inhaling deoderant. Basically, I laid out the story start to finish in the first sentence so I’m not really sure how to explain it. So this isn’t even really a whole post. It’s more like a long twitter post. And also an online record of me getting deodorant sprayed in my face in case I die of some really strange ailment and no one can figure it out. It was in an orange can. I’m not sure what it’s called because Chris won’t tell me and I’m too blind to go look at the can.

In case the previous paragraph or two wasn’t enough for you, I walked the dogs in a see through tank top today. Totally not on purpose. It wasn’t until we had passed some people a family with children that I realized I could see through my shirt. So I asked Chris if he could see through my shirt and he quickly said yep.
Thanks. I’ve been outside in this tank top for like 2 hours WITH YOU, and you didn’t notice before now? Awesome.

And then I found myself digging in the dirt with my bare hands

If you’re one of the everybody who has self diagnosed ADD, then you will know exactly what I’m talking about. Here’s the scenario: You’re in the middle of doing something, get distracted by something and your focus changes, then halfway through your new project you get bored but now you’re in too deep so you just have to finish it and/or figure out a way to get someone else to do it for you.
NO? Just me? hmm..

Anyway, here are the 4 phases of ADD according to me:
1. Ohhh shiny
2. That would be way more fun than what I’m currently doing
3. This was a Terrible idea
4. Chris, I’m sore, will you finish this for me?

We have a walkway to the front door, and on the left side there is a tiny little area with a few sad looking rocks and dirt and a lot of weeds. Not weed. Sorry potheads, this is not the blog for you. They were regular ol’ annoying weeds. So I started pulling weeds. Halfway through the weed pulling, I discovered something that looked like a mushroom in the dirt. Not hallucinogenic mushrooms. THIS IS NOT A BLOG ABOUT DRUGS. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT THAT WAY. So, I started to dig out the mushroom looking thing to see what it was because it looked like it was everywhere. Instead of mushrooms, I found rocks. Not cocaine rocks. Why do I even have to keep clarifying these things? I decided I would dig them up since I had been contemplating stealing the rocks in the neighbors entry way. I thought I would just find a few rocks, but there were like 100, so I decided to start digging back at the beginning where the weed pulling began.

My ADD Diagram.

Halfway through the rock digging I was bored again and didn’t want to dig up any more rocks. My hands were hurting, the was dirt under my nails, and I was pretty sure Chris was not going to be amused at my discovery and the now large mess that I probably wasn’t going to clean up, so I go inside to get a drink of water fully expecting a barage of questions, like what have you been doing outside for the last half hour? Were there that many weeds? Why are your hands covered in dirt? But I got no questions. Hardly even a look. Nothing. So I said “I found a lot of rocks” and walked back outside to put gloves on and continue The Great Rock Excavation of 2012. It’s a good thing I put on the gloves, because I almost imediately found an angry looking red centipede. I don’t trust anything with that many legs.

After digging up all the rocks (yes, this IS a really long story about how I dug up some rocks, I agree) I realized that I had also dug up a lot of dirt and it was all over the rocks and sidewalk. It’s ok, I’ll just hose off the rocks and hose the dirt back in the dirt area. HA. Bad idea. Turns out, when you hose off dirt, it just turns into brown water and goes wherever the heck it wants to. Which is all over my ankles. And then the dirt area turns into a brown river and you have to wait for it to dry before you can put the rocks back. THIS is really bad for my ADD because then I have to WAIT. Which most assuredly means I will get distracted by something else before the dirt dries and THAT is when I’ll tell Chris that I lost all feeling in my arms and can most definitely not put all those rocks back and since he’s outside mowing, it just makes sense that he just put them all back whenever he gets done.

Thanks Dear

Oh! I found a snake skin (because I did do the cleaning up, that part about me telling Chris to finish was a lie…my bad). It wasn’t that long, but that’s probably because the snake only shed half of his skin to make me think I don’t have anything to fear. I’m on to you snake.

That's a friggin snake skin in my walkway

Other irrational fears I have

I have a serious fear of breaking my own neck. I’m actually afraid to pop my neck. You know how some people pull their neck to the side and it pops so loud you start to dial 911? Yeah, I can’t do that. My husband pops his neck like that all the time and I’m just waiting for the day that he falls limp and I’ll have to tell my paralyzed husband “I told you so”. I banned him from doing it while driving, because that’s just putting both of our lives at risk.

In the shower a couple of days ago, I had a neck pain and I felt like I needed to pop my neck. So I tried, but I just couldn’t get it to pop because I felt like if I pulled any further I would paralyze myself. Then I started thinking what would happen if I did break my own neck? Chris would call 911 but then they would think he did it because I would probably be the first person in the history of ever to break her own neck with her own hands. That would be so awful knowing that Chris didn’t do it, but there I was dead or paralyzed or comatose or something that made me unable to tell the cops that I did this to myself. So, I just didn’t pop my neck. There was too much at risk.

Oh, one more irrational fear? I’m highly afraid that my nose will get shoved into my brain. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger did that once in a movie where he hit the guy with the heel of his hand in the nose and it shoved something into his brain and he died instantly. So, basically I try really hard not to get hit in the nose with stuff. Once Chris and I were goofing around and he accidentally hit my in the nose with his arm in sort of an upward motion and I freaked out and he was like what the heck is wrong with you, you would have to get hit really hard for a hit in the nose to kill you. People break their nose all the time. And I was like, no, it’s all about angles, Chris. You don’t know how much it would take to kill me through my nose. This is not a laughing matter. And then he was like ok crazy lady and then I was like LISTEN you’re the hulk, you could probably thump me in the nose and I would die, so just BE CAREFUL WITH ME.

Some of that was exaggerated, but I’m not really sure which parts because when your life is being threatened sometimes you forget things because you block out the trauma.