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This is the first post in a series of posts about how I did something dumb and how you can avoid that dumb thing. Except that I’m ADD and forgetful, so it might just be 1 stand alone post that leaves you wanting more.
Hi, Its been awhile. If you’re new to SaraEllenAwesome, stay awhile and look around. If you know me, you already know I’m weird, if you don’t…well now you do.
Give Blood (to legitimate places, don’t just give it to strangers). It helps people. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take long and they give you cookies and juice. But I want you to listen to the rules they give you after you give that blood. Also, I want you to remember that you gave blood. Because if you get busy in the kitchen that night and forget you gave blood, especially if you’re already slightly iron deficient anemic, and you pour a glass of wine, you just might pass out in the shower. Or almost pass out in the shower.
This warning is not based on a true story, it IS a true story. My true story. And that one single stupid glass of wine caused me about 36 hours of recovery time. While standing in the kitchen for a couple hours making lunches for us for the week, I decided hey, I might as well have a little glass of wine. Little did I know that would be my downfall that day. After the glass, I decided to do 85 squats and take a shower. That’s when things when downhill, fast. Pretty much immediately, I had to have the hubs come help me. He brought me cold water and I asked him to stay near so he could hear me if I yelled while I tried to really supersonic fast finish my shower. I made it through washing my face before I ended up sitting on the floor of the shower, within seconds of passing out. When I finally made it out I put on a robe and laid on the bathroom floor until I felt like I could move enough to make it to the bed. I’m 28 years old and my husband had to actually help me get dressed. BECAUSE I DRANK A GLASS OF WINE. I mean, come on, Sara, how dumb can you be? They told you not to drink. It’s not like you drink on a regular basis either. You were bored and thought Hey, a glass of wine, you seem nice. NO. It was not nice.
Also, don’t do a big workout after you give blood either. Did that once before, too and I ended up teaching my kickboxing class from a seated position for some of the time. It’s not worth it. Giving blood is worth it, but make sure that’s all you do the rest of the day. Milk it. Prop your feet up and watch a marathon of whatever you love to watch and make your husband feed you grapes and wave palm leaves or whatever. Just whatever you do, DON’T break the “after you give blood” rules.
That was your P.S.A. for the day 🙂 You’re welcome.
ok, so that’s not true, but it did get your attention and it did get you to click on my blog but now you just think I’m a liar so I better have something awesome to follow this up. Right? Well..lucky you I have no idea what I’m going to write about now. Maybe how my brand new coworker said to me “I still haven’t decided if you’re a serial killer or not” and I had only been there 5 days. I have no idea why he would say something like that to me. I mean I’m a nice person, with morals..
Maybe because of a conversation that went like this on my 3rd day of employment:
I can’t remember how we got on this subject but he said something like “if you tried to kill me you would fail because I would take your knife and stab you with it” and I said, I wouldn’t use a knife. So he said ok, I would take your gun. And I said I wouldn’t use a gun, there’s too much evidence. And then I just sat there and looked at him while he tried to figure out what I would do…then he said “you would slowly poison my coffee, wouldn’t you?” And then I just laughed and looked away.
And then today someone told him I was a kickboxer so he better be nice, and he said I wasn’t scary and another coworker said well she’s probably faster than you, I wouldn’t mess around. All the while I was just sitting there listening. See, I don’t even need to talk and people just know that I’m not one to be messed with.
Even though I have literally never been in a fight. Except that one time where my step brother punched me in the throat. But that was the beginning and the end of that fight.
I’ve suspected it for a while. I’ve jokingly called him by the name. But now I have proof.
I’m married to The Hulk.
I discovered this while doing the laundry. It was the first thing I pulled out of the basket. The Hulk was taking a nap, so I sat it aside to ask him about it when he woke up. When he woke up, I jokingly asked what triggers the transformation. I recorded the conversation, so rather than paraphrasing, I’ll give you the transcript:
Me: What exactly triggers your transformation to The Hulk (as I hold the shirt up so he can see it)
Me: because what is a ripped up shirt doing in the laundry…with HOLES in it?
Chris: I didn’t know (really…what kind of answer is that?)
Now he’s just avoiding the question…something the hulk would do when confronted. I’m sure.
At this moment, Chris acted like he was about to rip the shirt he was wearing
Me: are you going to rip another one? did I anger the Hulk with my questions? How exactly did this happen?
Chris: I put it on the other day, and it didn’t fit, it was just like…it didn’t fit…it was like stretched out.
Me: now it’s extra stretched out
Chris: It was never gonna get back to the normal form, so I just went ahead and ripped it because I was pissed about it
Me: So you did rip it like the Hulk? I really didn’t expect that answer, I really expected you to be like “oh no, it was something else, or whatever” and you actually just ripped your shirt off because you ARE the freaking hulk. So what angers the hulk? I didn’t realize it was wardrobe malfunctions that turned you into the hulk, and you’re wearing green right now which is pretty awesome.
I really wish I could upload the actual audio of this conversation. It’s so much funnier when you’re not reading it.
I’m prepared for many situations, like scary children in the desert, break-ins at church, potential direct tv man attacks and other random situations no one ever thinks about. But I was not prepared for a printer attack. I’m sitting here working, minding my own business, listening to the radio and the giant printer/fax/scanner/monster starting making noises and spinning it’s wheels. Out. Of. Nowhere. For like 30 seconds it just growled and spun and I was just waiting for it to print some paper out with something threatening on it. I even recorded it. And I sent the video to my husband. He replied with “it does a self clean where it checks the ink levels and crap like that”.
So maybe it’s not possessed. Maybe I’m just paranoid.
Well, you see I wanted two pieces of toast to cover in cream cheese because I hadn’t eaten all day and it was kind of getting to me. But I accidentally got 3 pieces out because the bread stuck together because it’s refrigerated bread and it does that. So I decided to cream cheese 2, and butter 1. I made the first two, cream cheesed them and put them on the paper towel cheese to cheese so I would have room for the 3rd piece. I laid the single piece to the right of the cream cheese sandwich, and then I BUTTERED THE BACK OF THE CREAM CHEESE TOAST. I didn’t even notice right away either. I just saw the blank bread on the right and thought hey, where did that bread come from?
This is what happens when people stress me out and I don’t get enough sleep and then I wait till 3pm to eat. Or maybe it was me switching to 1/2 caff coffee 2 days ago.
Oh, if you’re wondering if it was delicious. Yes, it kind of was.
Let me preface this by saying me and my fiance just went to the Houston area for a visit. I saw funny things.
Tiger at the hotel – There was a hotel being renovated on the side of the highway. One day, we drove by and there was a table sitting outside of one of the rooms and it had a tiger statue on it. That struck me as odd. A freakin tiger? Why did they put it outside? Does that mean there are tigers in the rooms? What kind of hotel is this? The next day, we drove by again, and that tiger was on the roof. At the very front of the building at the point of the roof. OH MY GOSH. What is going on? Weird. I am disappointed in myself for not having pictures.
Handicapped room – We get to the hotel, and it’s not busy at all. DUH, it’s a Wednesday. But we get to our room and realize it’s a handicapped room. It has a little sign on the outside of the door stating so. Also, I didn’t see any difference in that room vs any other room. Except maybe the bathroom door was bigger. Why did we get a handicapped room? I don’t understand.
Virgin tissue paper – Yes. The tissue paper was “made of virgin materials”. There’s a joke there. Find it.
Update: I decided not to be so angry at solitaire anymore since I won 3 times in the last two days. So consider this an apology to solitaire.
It’s an impossible game and I swear it’s missing cards. I know, it’s on the computer so it is sure to have all the cards, but it’s like a trick. The computer makes sure it’s unwinnable. People who win it often are using voodoo magic or something. I have won it a few times in my life but it’s so rare it makes me think that the computer just let’s it happen 1 in a million times so that I keep playing hoping that the next time I play I’ll win it. But I don’t win. I try and try and fail and fail. I sit here until my eyes cross trying to figure out how to make it all work and it doesn’t. I hate it when I get on a roll and am moving cards and filling up those 4 spaces at the top that I don’t know what to call and then all of a sudden, I’m stuck. No more moves. WHYYYYYYYY!!!???
And what’s with Spider solitaire? What does that even mean? There are no spiders. That’s a weird game, but it’s winnable. So I do play that when I’m mad at regular solitaire. But I only play the single suit.. I’m not brave enough to try more than one. I’m not even sure how that would work.. Probably another winless game for me.
And then there is NERTZ. Team solitaire you play with a partner. No computers involved. That game ROCKS. So fun. I don’t feel like explaining it because I’ve lost my steam, but it’s fun and you should figure out how to play or make up your own rules and then teach others to play and then when two NERTZ players from different places come together to play they will be like “WHAT KIND OF GAME iS THIS!! THAT’S NOT THE RULES!” and then that game will become impossible to win because no one will agree and then there will be another solitaire game that I hate. But for now, it still rocks.
PS. Sorry I’ve been so sucky at this blogging thing lately. I’ve got blog drafts, sitting unfinished. It’s very depressing actually. My head has awesome stuff in there, but it’s been hard to sit down and get it all out into words.
PSS. Shout out to spell check, because apparently I didn’t know how to spell Solitaire so THAT would have been embarrassing since that’s what this whole thing is about.
Why don’t they ever have any one dressed up a baby Jesus? Would that be blasphemous? I’m not sure where that line is.
People dress up as Santa all the time, but santa is no supreme being and he has nothing to do with the meaning of Christmas. Instead of having Santa at the mall, they should have Nativity scenes set up and people can visit and ask Jesus for things but the difference between asking Santa something at the mall and asking Jesus something at the mall is that Jesus can actually hear you and answer you because it’s called PRAYING.
Santa is a jolly fellow, don’t get me wrong. But you know that saying “Jesus is the Reason for the Season”? Well that’s still true. Every year. Santa can’t do anything for you. Jesus can. And He will if you just ask Him. Wow. This just turned into a seriously religious post, but that’s fine. I love Jesus. I’m not ashamed. I can blog about Him if I want to 🙂
Christmas should not be a time of stress, or struggle, or shopping until you’re in debt. It should be a time of reflection on what Jesus’ birth means to your life. If you don’t know what the birth of Jesus means to you, then you should pick up the Bible and read. Jesus’ birth changed your life whether you realize it or not.
First. I hope you get the title. If not, you’re missing out on the best movie intro. OK. Probably not the BEST, but a really good one.
Second. This post is about littering and how incredibly annoying I find it.
If you litter, STOP IT. If you litter and I see you, I might ram your car with my tiny car and then sue you for making me wreck while I was being irritated by your disrespect of the earth.
Seriously, it is one of the MOST frustrating things in the world for me to be driving behind you and watch you toss a fast food bag out of the car window. REALLY?! You can’t leave the bag in your car until you arrive at your destination? Does the place you’re going not have a trash can? Holy crap, I don’t even care if you recycle it, just stop throwing it out of your window!! Maybe you think you are helping keep those community service kids in business, but there’s enough accidental trash on the road as it is, it doesn’t need your deliberate garbage added to it.
So just stop. Don’t litter. They (someone, I don’t know who) makes cute little car trash bags for you if you’re too good to hang a grocery sack from your gear knob thing. Whatever you do that makes you stop throwing trash out of the window, do it, so I don’t have to yell at you inside my car knowing you can’t hear me which makes me even more irritated but slightly relieved since I’m actually afraid that if I do yell you might shoot me.
I freaking bruise like a banana. Or a peach. Or a person with iron deficiency anemia. Ugh. It’s just annoying and I feel like ranting about it so here I am. I kicked myself in the shin the other day and now I have a big ugly bruise. I constantly have bruises on my forearms from doorknobs, outside of my thighs from counters, and other random places just because I’m clumsy. The definition of a bad combination is anemia and a clumsy person. Plus my fiance is the hulk minus the green part, and sometimes he can tickle me to hard and I get a bruise. I promise he doesn’t bruise me on purpose, I’m just sensitive and the poor guy is just freakishly strong. I mean he carried the washer and dryer from the truck to the storage unit by himself. Seriously? How is that possible. It’s ridiculous…and hot 🙂