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Why I couldn’t be a murderer

Other than the fact that it’s wrong and illegal and stuff, this is why I could never take a human life:

I was leaving church and there was a frog in the exit of the parking lot. I tried to go over it where it was in the middle of my car but I’m pretty sure when my front tires passed it, it jumped and my back tire got him.  I got out to check on him after I passed him and he was smashed. By me! I killed him!! He probably had a family. He was just hopping along being all froggy and here I came, a big giant murderer and ended it for him.

And then I Cried.

Don’t you love how I take like a year off from blogging, come back and blog about murder again? Welcome back y’all. (I hope there is a y’all I’m talking to and that I’m not just blogging to myself. At least I know Kristin will read this. Hi!)

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I need a dream interpreter over here. And also some cupcakes.

I wish I understood dreams and what makes some insanely strange. Last nights dream was super odd and actually had me laughing when I woke up.

I was at church with my mom and I was singing with the praise team. We are singing and I looked down in the congregation and my ex from like 9 years ago was sitting with my sister, and he mouthed at me “do you have any change” and I was like what? yeah, hold on, but I was thinking I’m singing right now, why are you asking me about change? And then he was gone.

Then all of a sudden someones phone went off (it was the robot sound on the iPhone) and I was like oh my gosh who has their phone on up here? It should be on silent. Then I realize I can’t hear any of the music anymore because the robot sound is so loud. Whose phone is it? It’s my mom’s phone. So I grab her phone off the piano and turn it to silent but the sound didn’t stop. So people are singing and I couldn’t turn it off, IT WOULDN’T FREAKIN STOP, so we took it out of the church and gave it to this girl Andy from the church I used to go to and she was trying to get it to stop and she couldn’t make it shut up either. It was making her read every calendar reminder that existed on the phone, and somehow it became her phone, and she was like I NEED THESE REMINDERS so she wouldn’t let me cancel them, she was just rescheduling the reminders and they were dots on a map, like the alarm was based on a city where the bill was due and IT WOULDN’T STOP ALARMING. So I let her deal with it and I went back into the sanctuary to finish the song because it was such a good song but I couldn’t hear the verse they were on because I could only hear the alarm so I was putting my ear close to the mouths of the people singing but I still couldn’t hear them. So they kept repeating one verse over and over so I could figure it out but then then I argued with the choir director (it was a tall red headed woman and her hair was puffy. It was not the current choir director at my moms church, because that would make sense) because she had a deep voice so I said I’ll sing the soprano on this part and and she was like no, I’m soprano so I said are you kidding me? you have a deep voice! no way, you’re out of your mind.

And then I woke up and my stupid alarm had been going off for 11 minutes.

I described this dream to my mom and she reminded me that a choir director they used to have at church, like a decade ago, was a red headed lady with a deep voice.

I was caught off guard without an escape plan. Luckily, I wasn’t really in danger.

So last night, I was at church for Praise Team practice, and we were waiting for people to arrive. In the middle of some music talk I heard loud banging noises and yelling. It happened so fast. I froze. I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Then I realized it was the people we were waiting for letting us know they’re here since the door was locked. Myyyy goodness, I panicked for about 10 seconds and then I panicked even more because I realized I don’t have a plan for that. I have plans for chainsaw murderers at work, for creepy children in the desert, and for burglars in the middle of the night. But I DON’T have a plan to escape anything at church. That whole sentence seems really stupid. Why would I need to escape from church? Well it’s almost 2012 and people are crazy so I ALWAYS need a plan of escape from anywhere. One day I should write a book on clever escapes from random places. Don’t steal that idea, because I’m pretty sure my escape ideas are better than your escape ideas so your book would just suck and people would be like WOW I wish someone would write a good escape novel, and then my book would come out and they would be all ohhh yes! finally, I have been waiting for this all my life. Like that song by someone I can’t remember. Well anyway, I realized that on the stage at church there are a lot of escape routes, all with doors that led outside, so I’m pretty much fine as long as I can run faster than the person who is causing me danger. Or I could just hit them with a Bible, because it’s also called a sword so I’m pretty sure that would really suck to get hit in the face with a Jesus sword.