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I mean, I doubt he would kill a kitten.

After my wonderful cat, Otis, ran away to live some wonderful, fancy life with his cat friends (at least that’s what I tell myself happened to him) I was kind of OK with only having dogs for awhile. I was about to get married, and move away and I knew that our future land lord would prefer if his new tenants only came with two dogs and that the move would be easier with just two animals. However, lately I have been really wanting a snuggly little kitten. One I can let sleep on my head, and purr in my ear. So I decided to broach the subject with Chris.

Me: I want a kitten
Chris: No. Sorry.
Me: But they’re so cute. And I miss cuddling with Otis <—- that part was me trying to get him to feel bad for my loss
Chris: Jake and Max will cuddle
Me: When we own our own home, I will be more persistent.

That was the end of that conversation, but I was not kidding about being more persistent/annoying about it in the future. However, I started thinking (dangerous ground, I know) if I got a kitten…an ADORABLE, AWESOME kitten, what’s he going to do about it? Sure, he’ll be mad and he might try to convince Max it’s a chew toy, but seriously, he’s not going to leave me or kill the kitten. He would just have to deal with the new addition to our family. He would fall in love with that kitten, he just doesn’t know it yet. That cat will become his best friend. That’s probably what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid he will love that kitten so much that he won’t have any more room in his heart for me. But it’s ok honey, I know that a cute kitten can steal your heart and I won’t take offense. He hasn’t been around cats enough to know that they can be really freakin’ awesome creatures. If they weren’t, there wouldn’t be an LOLCats website with tons of funny cat pictures. Cat’s are awesome and if you don’t realize that, then you yourself are not awesome.

Anyway, I’m going to get a kitten and I’m going to hide it in the house, and when Chris finds it, I will just tell him it’s an odd looking dog with a strange sounding bark that I inherited from a relative I didn’t know I had, but I have to keep it because it’s family.

Shhhh…don’t tell Chris.

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And then he asked me to get him a martini

Zebra print is so in. Especially when an 11 pound Dachshund is wearing it.

Or..sleeping in it.

<german accent> hello, I am Jake. <end german accent>

Look at him, he doesn’t even look amused. He’s like pahleeze. Will you stop with the pictures? I’m just laying here. Oh, whatever, I guess just continue on. I’m adorable, I should be used to these photos by now. Just make sure I’m covered, I sleep in the nude for goodness sake.

Humans.

Well, I survived. Barely. Kind Of.

So, the cable guy came to the house today.  I picked an installation time of 12-4 (you know, because they’re never specific) and he called me around 9 this morning to say he could be here in 15 minutes.  Cool!! That works out nicely.  Except I’m home alone.  Kind of.  The dogs are here and they’re vicious and carry knives so don’t get any ideas.  Anyway, I tell Chris that he’s on his way.  Now, at this point, I’ve run some “scenarios” through my head…just in case…ya know? Like what happens if he attacks me…etc…  Chris replies to me saying stuff about guns and knives and a machete, you know for an FYI and just in case something happens so I’ll know where to find it all.   Ok, yeah not like I wasn’t ALREADY paranoid.  Thanks.  So I make sure the dogs are loose so when he knocks, he will hear them being all crazy and killer like.  When he gets here, he is totally polite, very friendly looking.  But you know, the friendly ones are the ones that’ll get ya.  Like that Joran dude, or that handsome guy bandit (seriously that’s what he was called).  So, when he went back to his truck, I took a picture of his paperwork that had his tech ID on it and I sent it to K-Star.  Just in case.  I tried to get a pic of his face, but I was afraid he would catch me.  I described him to her though.  and to Chris.  Just covering my bases. 

ANYWAY…here’s where I realize I need help.  Like mental help. 

He needed to go in the attic, and the stairs are upstairs behind my desk.  So the first time he went up there, I was downstairs when he came down.  Well, while I’m up at my desk he comes  back upstairs and goes in the attic again…my brain got loose here.  I started thinking, what if he’s just going up there so he can come down while I’m sitting here and he can sneak up behind me.  (uh, duh, I would hear him coming…idiot).  Then when he actually started coming down the attic stairs, I brought my hand up to my throat…palm out.  And just held it there.  In case he tried to strangle me.  Yes.  I did that.  Wow.  That amazed even me.  As I was doing it I was like oh my gosh, you have your hand to your throat. You’re clinically insane.  You shouldn’t be left alone.  Ever.  Especially since at that point I was talking to myself in my head.  Awesome.

Big Dog and a Headless Deer

So, lately my brain has been to full of work stuff to be creative on it’s own so I decided if I just open up a blank post and start writing then maybe the creativity will begin to flow. Wish me luck or something.

Let’s start with what’s happening in my life: I moved into my parents RV that sits next to their house for a few months. I know you might think living with your parents, 19 year old brother, and 12 year old sister at 25 years old would be a nightmare, but actually it’s nice. I’ve been away from them for awhile and it’s cool to get to hang out and see them everyday. I get to see my mom and sister every morning before work. I like it. Every morning I wake up, throw on a robe and some flip flops and head inside for a shower and to brush my teeth. This is going to SUCK when it’s freezing outside or raining and I’m walking through mud. I clearly didn’t think this through. I need rain boots and a waterproof robe. hmmm.
Moving on…. When I moved, I brought along The Jake and Otis. Otis stays in the house with the other 2 cats and the gigantic Arthur:

This is Arthurs head. Notice the human head below it. Perspective. Now you have it. That's a giant dog.

Despite having 2 cats of his own to torture in the house, he is obsessed with getting Otis to play with him. Otis does not want this to happen. In fact, he made that clear when he took his claw to Arthurs nose. Arthur was not deterred by the bloody nose.
So Otis just finds really high places to hang out in the house and then taunts Arthur by hanging is head over the edge of whatever he’s on and looking down at Arthur. It’s pretty funny.

Also, this is sitting outside of the door to the RV:

um. Yep. That’s a headless deer.

I promise, my parents aren’t that weird. Or at least I didn’t think they were. However, in their defense I’m pretty sure Bambi was used for bow and arrow target practice and apparently whoever was shooting is a pretty good shot because his whole freakin head is missing. Or maybe Arthur the giant dog attacked the plastic deer trying to protect the family. Eh, your guess is as good as mine. If I was a deer or a burglar, I would probaly not come try to start trouble at this house because we’ve got headless deer and a giant dog up in here.

Aches, Pains, and Chemical Burns

Staining Concrete is easy.  Prepping concrete to stain is NOT.
I recently spent a weekend prepping and staining concrete. Concrete that was poured and built upon 26 years ago.  I would just like to thank the builders who were reckless and got overspray all over the floors and didn’t give a think that maybe one day some future owner would want to rip up the carpet and possibly stain the concrete below.  I spent 8 hours Saturday afternoon using adhesive remover and paint thinner and let me tell you…that stuff BURNS!!!! It doesn’t even have to touch your skin for you to know how much it burns.  Even with chemical resistant gloves on, your hands feel like they’re on fire and your fingers swell up. Water doesn’t help, it makes it burn worse.  There were also several “oh *$@*#!” moments as some of the chemical gets on your skin and you make a mad dash to the sink while frantically trying to get the fiery gloves off your hands without getting the chemical on another part of your body.
The plus side? I’m probably almost a ninja now since I was forced to realize how much pain I could handle, because sometimes you just couldn’t get the gloves off fast enough and you literally just have to stand there and let your body burn.  It’s like torture and I’m not even exaggerating.

It’s been 2 weeks and I STILL have burns on my skin.  They look like bubbly blisters.  Awesome.

Before! With Otis the Guardian Cat.

 

After! With The Jake trying to find a place to hide his bone