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Every marriage needs a healthy dose of fear

When I recently wrote about how badly I want a kitten, I really didn’t think Chris took my kitten threat seriously. However, yesterday he told me that he has stress because every day when he comes home he doesn’t know if there is going to be a kitten here. I am not really sure where or how this came up in our conversation over dinner, but it did and it was wonderful. It’s good to have something in your life to keep you on your toes. I’m home alone all day, so it is fully possible that I will find a kitten on my lunchtime run, or maybe I’ll be buying dog food at the pet store and they’ll be having a kitten sale. I actually found a kitten when we were on vacation in California a few days ago. I was mid conversation in the kitchen with a couple family members, and I saw this little black and white ball of adorable walk across the sitting area outside and I said Ohhh Kitten, and walked outside. I fully expected the cat to run from me because they usually do, but this one meowed a sad little sound and let me play with it! It was so cute and sweet and you could tell that it recently had a human family because you could see the indentation in it’s fur from a collar. I would pet it, and it would roll back on it’s back and play with me and even today I am reminded of my little furry friend when I look at the scratches all over my hand. Cats are fiesty like that. They’re like oh I love you, pet me but don’t get to comfortable, remember I have sharp claws, see? I told Chris I needed to find a way to smuggle it on the airplane. I could just zip it up in my giant purse and be like shhhh kitty, just stay here under the seat, we’ll be home soon. And then we would live happily every after.

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Come Back! I just want to save you!

Why is it that everytime I see a stray dog I can’t find it when I go back to save it? Seriously, I just want to help them and they either run away from me or disappear. Last time I was in Dallas, I was driving home from work and saw a really sickly, starving puppy on the side of the highway. It was so close to the busy road, I wanted to get it in my car and take it to a shelter or wait with it until someone could come get it. I had just been to the store to get dog food for my dog, so I had it in the car and was going to feed the puppy. So, I circle around, but it takes awhile because it’s 2 highways intersecting, so it’s complicated getting back around. By the time I get there, the puppy is laying in the big grassy area between the highway and the service road. So I pull over, and get out of the car. Immediately the puppy gets up and I think yay! he’s going to come to me! But no, he runs away. He wants no part of the rescuing and it breaks my heart. So I find the number to animal control and of course they make it so complicated to report an animal, and one of the questions they ask is “is it a pitbull?” What the heck, I don’t know (but I think it was). If he is a pitbull, are you just going to let him die out here? Why does that matter? Then the lady says well, the repsonse time on something like this is 3 days. 3 DAYS? Completely ridiculous.

Today, I drove out of my street and saw 2 dogs coming out a nearby neighborhood. They looked well taken care of but didn’t have a collar. I was heading to the fitness center in the neighborhood, so I pulled into the parking lot to google the animal control people but I realized that the visitor center was right by me and they should have important phone #’s so I went over there. First thing the lady says is, well, you can put a posting on our neighborhood website that you found these dogs, but I don’t know how soon anyone would see that…Totally not helpful lady. Seriously? It’s going to be 95 degrees today. Then she gives me the animal control number. It’s been maybe 5 minutes since I saw the dogs so I decide to go look for them as I call animal control. I described the dogs and hopefully they’ll find them. And hopefully they’ll be chipped so their owner can be found. Anyway, I can’t find the dogs anywhere. I drove all over the close neighborhoods looking for them and they were nowhere. There was a school right near where I last saw them so hopefully they just went to play with the kids. That’s what I’ll believe. I should have just picked them up the minute I saw them and THEN tried to call the animal people. Lesson learned.

I also like to rescue turtles that try to cross the street but haven’t quite made it. The first one I saw was on his back next to the curb, so we pulled over, I got out and put the turtle in the grass. The second one I saw was walking across the road, so we stopped so I could hop out and carry it to the grass. As soon as I got out and put my hands on the turtle shell it turned toward me and started running at me and towards the middle of the road. Of course I shrieked and jumped and then I felt stupid because it’s a turtle, they’re totally not frightening creatures. So I tried to get the turtle again but contrary to common belief, that turtle was FAST and cars were starting to come down the road and we didn’t want to cause a traffic jam, so I just got back in the truck, and gave up because clearly the turtle wanted to be in the street. It was probably suicidal and didn’t appreaciate my help which is why he tried to chase me. I did notice as we pulled away that another car was stopping to try to help the turtle. I wonder if the turtle tried to attack them, too.

One more, but this doesn’t really count because it’s a plant and not something that can run away from me. A few days ago I saw a flowery plant laying on the side of the road in my neighborhood, and it looked like it had just been plucked out of the ground, so I continue to drive about 10 feet, and I see a hole in the middle of the landscaped area where that plant clearly came from. So I pull over, get the plant and re-plant it where it went. I don’t know why I feel the need to do things like this, but I didn’t like the idea that the plant had just been pulled out of the ground, and was left there to die. Our neighborhood landscape is pretty and I want to keep it that way. So anyway, I drove past it the next day, and that plant was laid over all wilted. Oh well, at least I tried.

Oh yes, I AM blogging about this Christopher

Don’t you hate it when you try to pants your husband but then it backfires because he sprays you in the face with his deodorant?

Oh, that’s never happened to you?

Weird.

It happened to me today and let me tell you that was not nearly as painful as I thought it would be. My eyes watered a lot, and it didn’t taste good and maybe my lungs are on the verge of collapsing from inhaling deoderant. Basically, I laid out the story start to finish in the first sentence so I’m not really sure how to explain it. So this isn’t even really a whole post. It’s more like a long twitter post. And also an online record of me getting deodorant sprayed in my face in case I die of some really strange ailment and no one can figure it out. It was in an orange can. I’m not sure what it’s called because Chris won’t tell me and I’m too blind to go look at the can.

In case the previous paragraph or two wasn’t enough for you, I walked the dogs in a see through tank top today. Totally not on purpose. It wasn’t until we had passed some people a family with children that I realized I could see through my shirt. So I asked Chris if he could see through my shirt and he quickly said yep.
Thanks. I’ve been outside in this tank top for like 2 hours WITH YOU, and you didn’t notice before now? Awesome.

The dogs would probably like me more if I knew German

This thought originated with the following sentences: I want to speak another language right now. And I want the dogs to understand me.

Then I realized that both our dogs are German, so obviously I need to learn German. Maybe that would make Max less angry. Maybe he’s mad that no one respects his language enough to learn it. Or maybe he’s mad that all the signs are in English. Or maybe he’s mad that we don’t let him wear hats. Do Germans wear hats? I feel like they do. I’ve been to Germany, but it was a long time ago, so I don’t remember. Time out. I just realized I know a word (1, one, single, uno) in German. “NO”. <– that was english, don't get confused. I know how to say no in German. Next time the dogs act out, I'll yell NO in German and see if they respond better. I'll let you know. Actually, I probably won't because I'll forget or lose interest before I even publish this.

Big Dog and a Headless Deer

So, lately my brain has been to full of work stuff to be creative on it’s own so I decided if I just open up a blank post and start writing then maybe the creativity will begin to flow. Wish me luck or something.

Let’s start with what’s happening in my life: I moved into my parents RV that sits next to their house for a few months. I know you might think living with your parents, 19 year old brother, and 12 year old sister at 25 years old would be a nightmare, but actually it’s nice. I’ve been away from them for awhile and it’s cool to get to hang out and see them everyday. I get to see my mom and sister every morning before work. I like it. Every morning I wake up, throw on a robe and some flip flops and head inside for a shower and to brush my teeth. This is going to SUCK when it’s freezing outside or raining and I’m walking through mud. I clearly didn’t think this through. I need rain boots and a waterproof robe. hmmm.
Moving on…. When I moved, I brought along The Jake and Otis. Otis stays in the house with the other 2 cats and the gigantic Arthur:

This is Arthurs head. Notice the human head below it. Perspective. Now you have it. That's a giant dog.

Despite having 2 cats of his own to torture in the house, he is obsessed with getting Otis to play with him. Otis does not want this to happen. In fact, he made that clear when he took his claw to Arthurs nose. Arthur was not deterred by the bloody nose.
So Otis just finds really high places to hang out in the house and then taunts Arthur by hanging is head over the edge of whatever he’s on and looking down at Arthur. It’s pretty funny.

Also, this is sitting outside of the door to the RV:

um. Yep. That’s a headless deer.

I promise, my parents aren’t that weird. Or at least I didn’t think they were. However, in their defense I’m pretty sure Bambi was used for bow and arrow target practice and apparently whoever was shooting is a pretty good shot because his whole freakin head is missing. Or maybe Arthur the giant dog attacked the plastic deer trying to protect the family. Eh, your guess is as good as mine. If I was a deer or a burglar, I would probaly not come try to start trouble at this house because we’ve got headless deer and a giant dog up in here.

I might have a vivid imagination

I watch a LOT of Law and Order SVU on Netflix. Like a couple episodes a night and I LOVE it. But I’ll admit, sometimes it might get to me….

Home Alone. My mental breakdown began: Italics = my brain activity.

Time for bed – need to put the big dog updo I put him up in the kennel? What if someone breaks in? He won’t be able to stop them, will I hear him if he barks in the cage? Would he even bark? Crap. I’m not sure. Ok I’ll put him in the kennel…the little dog is out, he will warn me of danger and maybe the cat will attack.

In bed – start to fall asleep, wake up suddenlywhat was that? was that the dog moving? Yes. No? Wait, that noise…is that a drill? are they taking the hinges off the doors? Oh geeze. this is it. It’s happening….ok I need a plan:

Ok, I know where the gun is…can I reach it easily without giving away my position? is it loaded? hmm…ok do I know how to load it? Crap! Why didn’t I make sure to learn how to load it? Maybe I just need to get a bat. The bat is in the other room. In the closet. I should just sleep in the closet with the bat. Should I take Jake (the little dog) with me in the closet? Yes. He would give away my hiding spot if I left him out. Would I be able to keep him quiet in the closet with me? I’ll need a blanket for him to sleep under. He likes blankets. Maybe I’ll just stay up all night with the dog out, and sit on the couch with the bat and wait for the murderers and rapists…they’ll never expect me to be sitting on the couch.

No. Maybe I’ll just hide in the closet. Which closet? The kid closet? burglars will never look for jewels in a childs closet right? I don’t even have jewels. Will that make them angry?

Just calm down. Stay in bed. Go to sleep. You aren’t going to get murdered…

What if he breaks in my bathroom window? Then I can’t get to the gun…and he doesn’t have far to go to get to me. I’ll run out the front door…OH! Unless that’s what he wants me to do…what if his partner is waiting at the front door for me to let him in when I run? I’ll got to the back! Wait..there could be 3 of them. I’m screwed.

I’ll just wait in the bed and be calm and still and spring out of the bed like a cat when they walk in. If I’m loud and sound crazy, maybe they’ll run away…yeah. that’s what I’ll do…

In hindsight, I should have taken a Tylenol PM and a vodka treat and made myself pass out… Lesson learned.

Here’s This

 Bulls for sale…Do you want me to get you a bull? Yes? Ok, that will take an additional 7 minutes…I have to get him in the back of the car…

Oh!! new plan. i found a rooster:

what a lovely rooster...

You know what? I have an umbrella hat. That means that I purchased an umbrella hat at some point in my life. That also means that at some point in my life I thought it would be a good idea to own and wear an umbrella hat…

i make this look GOOD.

 Oh. um. Here’s this…free of charge:

It's a grammar lesson. Good job CHI. You make my hair look good AND make brain smart.

This is either a Large Cat or a Really small dog…

Or Both... Meet Otis the Cat and Jake the Dog. Trust me, Jake is happy in this picture. He's having his ears cleaned.