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It’s all fun and games until somebody gets bit by a fish

Actual conversation with my husband. Actually, it’s a mostly one sided conversation where Chris just gives me strange looks because I am irrational. Obviously.

Chris: I almost bought the movie Jaws

Me: We don’t need that movie

Chris: Why not?

Me: I’m already afraid of the ocean. I don’t need anymore help with that

Chris: What? You’re afraid of the ocean, but you want to go to the ocean for vacation in August?

Me: Yes.

Chris: So, you aren’t getting in the ocean?

Me: A little

Me: I’m more likely to get in the ocean than I am to get in a lake

Chris: (strange look)

Me: I’m afraid of the lake

Chris: (more strange look but now it looks like if maybe he’s wondering what he got himself into with this marriage)

Me: I’m afraid of fish. I’m afraid they’ll bite me. And those hidden underwater trees? Those freak me out.

Chris: Is that why you don’t like to eat catfish?

Me: No, it’s already dead and can’t stab or bite me. I just don’t like to eat fish.

Chris: (continued strange looks)

Me: Also, I believe that there are snakes in lakes

Chris: There ARE snakes in lakes

Me: SEE?? I’m not getting in the lake. I was tortured as a child. The only way I’ll get in the lake is if I’m thrown off the tube. Which is why I’m really good at tube wars. I can stay on for a crazy long time. But when I get thrown off I float on my back and/or kick my legs and move my arms as much as possible so I scare the bitey animals.

Me. It’s a survival skill.

Chris: Why are we talking about lakes? We don’t even have plans to go to the lake.

Me: Stop judging me.

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Arachnophobic is an understatement.

Spiders start their journey to your house in MELISSA, TX. Yes. They are all there. It’s like spider base. They hang out there and when they’re ready, they travel around and get in your house and scare the crap out of you.

I went to Melissa, TX. No one warned me. Consider yourself warned.

In Melissa, TX there is a beautiful place used for a bed and breakfast and events are held there and it’s an amazing place. I won’t tell you exactly where it is or what it’s called because I’m about to deter you and I don’t want to do that. First, we know the owner, so we were just going to check it out since I had never been. We weren’t staying there.

This place is on a large plot of land and it’s in the country and there are trees and snakes and spiders.

So I arrive to see this place and we are being shown around and ooohing and ahhing and it’s BEAUTIFUL. I would LOVE to live in this place. Stunning. So, it’s dark outside and we go to see the new gazebo and a clearing of land that the owner had been working on. About halfway 0ut, our flashlights catch sight of a spider. A large spider. OH Let me throw in that we had flashlights so that we could avoid walking up on a snake. Yeah SNAKES. ..anyway… we see the spider. and then another one. and another one. I froze. There are spiders everywhere. We were being surrounded. I’m in freakin flip-flops and shorts. I’m TERRIFIED of spiders. All I could think was GET BACK TO THE HOUSE NOW. But I couldn’t move. So I got a piggy back ride the rest of the way to the clearing. A grasshopper hit me in the leg. I freaked out. Someone threw grass at me. I freaked out. We get to the clearing and THERES A FRESH SNAKE PATH. What am I doing out here? Why didn’t anyone warn me?

There’s more to the story…about how I had to make it back to the house by piggy back and was still freaking out and hyperventilating due to the spiders, but I won’t go into all that. I’ll just say EFF You Spiders. Eff You. I won’t be back to visit. and I’ll kill you if you get in my house. Kind of. Because I can’t actually step on you because I’m to afraid that you will get me before I can get you. But somehow you will die and it will be slow and painful and might be death by air freshener spray or something…whatever is closest to me.

even in cages at the zoo. i will begin to hyperventilate