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Get a small fry and all the freakin’ ketchup you can carry

On our latest visit to the Houston area, we went to Logan’s Steakhouse and got it to go. Chris ordered chicken strips/fries but got no ketchup. So, we just decided to go to the Walgreens next door. No Ketchup. None at the Shell station next to Walgreens. WHERE IS ALL THE KETCHUP, HOUSTON? So I came up with the brilliant idea to go to McDonald’s, order a small fry and get all the ketchup you can carry. What if it’s behind the counter you ask? Well, here’s what you do: say you have an addiction to ketchup and you have only purchased the frys to satisfy your ketchup craving and so you can eat the ketchup without looking like you’re insane just eating ketchup straight from the package. People can’t argue with an addiction or a crazy person because they’re afraid of what kind of other crazy you might be. If they resist giving you more ketchup, then just give them some crazy eyes and say give me the freakin ketchup. Now. Smart people will give you the dang ketchup. So, Chris went inside McDonalds to act out “the plan”. After about 5 minutes, he came out looking defeated. I thought, how could my plan fail? Well, here’s how: He had a large fry and 6 ketchup packets. That was clearly not the plan. It failed because I said get a small fry. And act crazy. Crazy would have more than 6 ketchup packets. Or maybe it failed because people are stingy with their ketchup. Anyway, we finally got back to the hotel, got out the ironing board/TV tray, sat at the end of the bed and enjoyed our nice Logan’s Steakhouse meal while watching the miserable Cowboy’s game.

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I was caught off guard without an escape plan. Luckily, I wasn’t really in danger.

So last night, I was at church for Praise Team practice, and we were waiting for people to arrive. In the middle of some music talk I heard loud banging noises and yelling. It happened so fast. I froze. I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Then I realized it was the people we were waiting for letting us know they’re here since the door was locked. Myyyy goodness, I panicked for about 10 seconds and then I panicked even more because I realized I don’t have a plan for that. I have plans for chainsaw murderers at work, for creepy children in the desert, and for burglars in the middle of the night. But I DON’T have a plan to escape anything at church. That whole sentence seems really stupid. Why would I need to escape from church? Well it’s almost 2012 and people are crazy so I ALWAYS need a plan of escape from anywhere. One day I should write a book on clever escapes from random places. Don’t steal that idea, because I’m pretty sure my escape ideas are better than your escape ideas so your book would just suck and people would be like WOW I wish someone would write a good escape novel, and then my book would come out and they would be all ohhh yes! finally, I have been waiting for this all my life. Like that song by someone I can’t remember. Well anyway, I realized that on the stage at church there are a lot of escape routes, all with doors that led outside, so I’m pretty much fine as long as I can run faster than the person who is causing me danger. Or I could just hit them with a Bible, because it’s also called a sword so I’m pretty sure that would really suck to get hit in the face with a Jesus sword.

Dear Chainsaw Wielding Murderer

Yesterday, it sounded like there was a chainsaw being used on the floor above me at the office and that got me thinking…..

#1 – I don’t play around with chainsaws..they scare the crap out of me.  I had a terrible nightmare as a child about one and I want nothing to do with them. 
#2 – I needed a plan to avoid a possible chainsaw death if in fact there was a chainsaw wielding murderer on the 5th floor

Dear Chainsaw wielding murderer, please don’t read this. I don’t want you to know my plan.

Everyone else who is not planning on murdering me:  I have a plan to clean out a filing cabinet drawer next to my desk in case I need to crawl inside.  It’s a large filing cabinet.  So, yes..I’m pretty sure I can fit.  I may need a test run to see though.  Anyway, in the event that a chainsaw wielding murderer enters my floor, I will push out an emergency window and then crawl in the drawer.  Ok. I’m not sure how I’ll close it yet.  Hopefully my weight doesn’t warp the metal.  All this will be worked out in the dry run.  The emergency window will be pushed out because I’ve always wanted a reason to push it and see how easy it is, because someone should know if it’s easy enough that you should be concerned to lean against it, or if you need to like throw a chair at it or something  and also as a distraction so the chainsaw wielding murderer will think I jumped. But really, I just want to push out a window.  I decided my cubicle neighbor will also be getting in a cabinet but she’s getting in the taller, stand up cabinet because she’s 6’1.  I’m looking out for her.  Now this plan will only work if the chainsaw wielding murderer is looking for people to kill.  This plan will not work if his/her plan is just to cut everything in half – as pointed out by someone who wants me to consider all scenarios, apparently. Thanks. 

PS…Obviously, it was NOT a chainsaw wielding murderer on the 5th floor yesterday, but I still don’t know what made that crazy loud chainsaw sounding noise…