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Why I couldn’t be a murderer

Other than the fact that it’s wrong and illegal and stuff, this is why I could never take a human life:

I was leaving church and there was a frog in the exit of the parking lot. I tried to go over it where it was in the middle of my car but I’m pretty sure when my front tires passed it, it jumped and my back tire got him.  I got out to check on him after I passed him and he was smashed. By me! I killed him!! He probably had a family. He was just hopping along being all froggy and here I came, a big giant murderer and ended it for him.

And then I Cried.

Don’t you love how I take like a year off from blogging, come back and blog about murder again? Welcome back y’all. (I hope there is a y’all I’m talking to and that I’m not just blogging to myself. At least I know Kristin will read this. Hi!)

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I mean, I doubt he would kill a kitten.

After my wonderful cat, Otis, ran away to live some wonderful, fancy life with his cat friends (at least that’s what I tell myself happened to him) I was kind of OK with only having dogs for awhile. I was about to get married, and move away and I knew that our future land lord would prefer if his new tenants only came with two dogs and that the move would be easier with just two animals. However, lately I have been really wanting a snuggly little kitten. One I can let sleep on my head, and purr in my ear. So I decided to broach the subject with Chris.

Me: I want a kitten
Chris: No. Sorry.
Me: But they’re so cute. And I miss cuddling with Otis <—- that part was me trying to get him to feel bad for my loss
Chris: Jake and Max will cuddle
Me: When we own our own home, I will be more persistent.

That was the end of that conversation, but I was not kidding about being more persistent/annoying about it in the future. However, I started thinking (dangerous ground, I know) if I got a kitten…an ADORABLE, AWESOME kitten, what’s he going to do about it? Sure, he’ll be mad and he might try to convince Max it’s a chew toy, but seriously, he’s not going to leave me or kill the kitten. He would just have to deal with the new addition to our family. He would fall in love with that kitten, he just doesn’t know it yet. That cat will become his best friend. That’s probably what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid he will love that kitten so much that he won’t have any more room in his heart for me. But it’s ok honey, I know that a cute kitten can steal your heart and I won’t take offense. He hasn’t been around cats enough to know that they can be really freakin’ awesome creatures. If they weren’t, there wouldn’t be an LOLCats website with tons of funny cat pictures. Cat’s are awesome and if you don’t realize that, then you yourself are not awesome.

Anyway, I’m going to get a kitten and I’m going to hide it in the house, and when Chris finds it, I will just tell him it’s an odd looking dog with a strange sounding bark that I inherited from a relative I didn’t know I had, but I have to keep it because it’s family.

Shhhh…don’t tell Chris.

Metal birds have feelings, too

So my mom and sister came to visit a couple weekends ago and my mom was showing me some pictures that my sister took of Sherman posed in the yard…but the pictures she showed me were of Ralph. So I was like, really Mom? You’re not even my mom anymore if you can’t tell my metal birds apart. They’re like your grand birds. They probably need therapy now. They’re going to start drinking.

Then, in anticipation of this blog, I asked her to send me the pictures of Ralph and Sherman she showed me while she was here, and she sent me these:

Ralph

Ralph

THIS ONE IS HAROLD

Wow Mom, Just…wow.

P.S. She has NO idea that I wrote this, nor did I actually give her a hard time to her face about getting confused about her grandbirds. I figure this way is more fun. We’ll see…

P.S.S. Mom, you’re still my mom. But I cried a little.

I’m the worst wife ever.

I have 2 reasons to support this title:

1. I lost the letter my husband wrote me the day before the wedding. Well, technically I didn’t lose it. I know exactly where it is. In the dumpster at the W Hotel. Yep. I’m the moron who read it, set it on the bedside table, and then ate cake. I forgot it was there so when my husband asked me “did you get everything” as we left, I cheerfully said “yep!”. Yeah. I’m banging my head on the table for this one. I cried when I got home and realized it wasn’t in my purse or my suitcase. It was my idea to write these beautiful letters to each other before our wedding, and give them to each other on our wedding day and of course I lost the freakin letter. That’s so me. So awfully me.

1.5. (because 1. reminded me of something else that makes me a terrible wife and I really have a reason #2 so I just stuck this one in the middle). Technically, this happened while I was a fiance still so he can’t ever say he didn’t know what he was getting into. Before Christmas, I pointed out this awesome ceramic (<–foreshadowing) coffee mug. It was Starbucks brand and it was amazing. I can't exactly explain why it was so awesome but I just loved it and I wanted it. So, for Christmas, my wonderful husband went to 9 different Starbucks (duh, different, because why would he go to the same Starbucks 9 times) to look for the mug. Finally he found one and it probably cost a fortune. WELL, good ol' me took it on a road trip over New Years weekend (yes. 1 week after Christmas) and my purse attacked it and knocked it out of the car. Of course it shattered because concrete is not made out of carpet. I cried. I would have rather broken my toe. That's how bad I felt.

2. My husband wants a Black Dodge Challenger more than he probably wants me, and I can't get him one because I'm not made of money nor do I know how to rob banks or steal cars. So, for eternity he will want this Challenger and I will want to buy it for him to make up for points 1 and 1.5 but I won't be able to. If we weren't moving, maybe we could get one. If we weren't planning to have babies, maybe we could get one (I hear babies are expensive, so they beat out the car). If I had a paid off car, we could get one but no…in 2008 I just HAD to get a new car when my trusty Honda was almost paid off. Now I have a stupid car with door handles that are stupid and I'm paying a monthly fee for it.

I'm sorry dear. I'm sorry I lost your incredibly sweet letter that made me cry good tears on our wedding night and I'm sorry I broke the mug that probably cost you as much as the monthly payment on a Challenger, and I'm sorry I can't buy you your dream car. If I had a successful blog maybe some charitable person would donate a car, but I don't (yet) so for now, we will just have to be happy with no car, no coffee mug, and no letter.

My bad.

PS. I feel confident that my husband does not think that I'm the worst wife ever. In fact, he does not care that I lost the letter, or broke the mug and I'm pretty sure he chose me over the Challenger without any resentment because he loves me and he's awesome. I totally love him back.