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Also, I’m a coward

So, while I’m interested/obsessed with violent shows, when approached with a real life situation, I do nothing.

Real Life Example from years ago:

I lived at home and I was in my bedroom, fairly late at night, probably half asleep and I heard a gun shot coming from my parents room. So I creep out of my bedroom, down the hall to see if everything is ok…I get to the bedroom door and listen. I hear nothing. Then I start thinking oh my gosh, what if someone broke in? What would I do? If I walk in that room and confront a burgler, I won’t walk out alive. I’m not cut out for danger. I mean seriously, if they got my dad, who has guns and military training then what am I gonna do? I only have fists and knees and screams. I can’t protect the family.

So I went back to bed. I guess just to wait and see if the killer came and got me? Who knows. I should have ran out of the house. I really don’t know what I was thinking just going to bed. Maybe I thought it was just a dream. But it wasn’t and I know this because a couple days later I remembered the gunshot and asked my parents about it and it turns out my dad fired his gun by accident. He was cleaning it in the proper way where you have the gun pointed down and away from your body and it fired through the edge of the bed. So yeah, I totally DID hear a gun shot, and I totally did NOTHING about it. Because I’m a coward.


It’s all fun and games until somebody gets bit by a fish

Actual conversation with my husband. Actually, it’s a mostly one sided conversation where Chris just gives me strange looks because I am irrational. Obviously.

Chris: I almost bought the movie Jaws

Me: We don’t need that movie

Chris: Why not?

Me: I’m already afraid of the ocean. I don’t need anymore help with that

Chris: What? You’re afraid of the ocean, but you want to go to the ocean for vacation in August?

Me: Yes.

Chris: So, you aren’t getting in the ocean?

Me: A little

Me: I’m more likely to get in the ocean than I am to get in a lake

Chris: (strange look)

Me: I’m afraid of the lake

Chris: (more strange look but now it looks like if maybe he’s wondering what he got himself into with this marriage)

Me: I’m afraid of fish. I’m afraid they’ll bite me. And those hidden underwater trees? Those freak me out.

Chris: Is that why you don’t like to eat catfish?

Me: No, it’s already dead and can’t stab or bite me. I just don’t like to eat fish.

Chris: (continued strange looks)

Me: Also, I believe that there are snakes in lakes

Chris: There ARE snakes in lakes

Me: SEE?? I’m not getting in the lake. I was tortured as a child. The only way I’ll get in the lake is if I’m thrown off the tube. Which is why I’m really good at tube wars. I can stay on for a crazy long time. But when I get thrown off I float on my back and/or kick my legs and move my arms as much as possible so I scare the bitey animals.

Me. It’s a survival skill.

Chris: Why are we talking about lakes? We don’t even have plans to go to the lake.

Me: Stop judging me.

Well, I survived. Barely. Kind Of.

So, the cable guy came to the house today.  I picked an installation time of 12-4 (you know, because they’re never specific) and he called me around 9 this morning to say he could be here in 15 minutes.  Cool!! That works out nicely.  Except I’m home alone.  Kind of.  The dogs are here and they’re vicious and carry knives so don’t get any ideas.  Anyway, I tell Chris that he’s on his way.  Now, at this point, I’ve run some “scenarios” through my head…just in case…ya know? Like what happens if he attacks me…etc…  Chris replies to me saying stuff about guns and knives and a machete, you know for an FYI and just in case something happens so I’ll know where to find it all.   Ok, yeah not like I wasn’t ALREADY paranoid.  Thanks.  So I make sure the dogs are loose so when he knocks, he will hear them being all crazy and killer like.  When he gets here, he is totally polite, very friendly looking.  But you know, the friendly ones are the ones that’ll get ya.  Like that Joran dude, or that handsome guy bandit (seriously that’s what he was called).  So, when he went back to his truck, I took a picture of his paperwork that had his tech ID on it and I sent it to K-Star.  Just in case.  I tried to get a pic of his face, but I was afraid he would catch me.  I described him to her though.  and to Chris.  Just covering my bases. 

ANYWAY…here’s where I realize I need help.  Like mental help. 

He needed to go in the attic, and the stairs are upstairs behind my desk.  So the first time he went up there, I was downstairs when he came down.  Well, while I’m up at my desk he comes  back upstairs and goes in the attic again…my brain got loose here.  I started thinking, what if he’s just going up there so he can come down while I’m sitting here and he can sneak up behind me.  (uh, duh, I would hear him coming…idiot).  Then when he actually started coming down the attic stairs, I brought my hand up to my throat…palm out.  And just held it there.  In case he tried to strangle me.  Yes.  I did that.  Wow.  That amazed even me.  As I was doing it I was like oh my gosh, you have your hand to your throat. You’re clinically insane.  You shouldn’t be left alone.  Ever.  Especially since at that point I was talking to myself in my head.  Awesome.

Arachnophobic is an understatement.

Spiders start their journey to your house in MELISSA, TX. Yes. They are all there. It’s like spider base. They hang out there and when they’re ready, they travel around and get in your house and scare the crap out of you.

I went to Melissa, TX. No one warned me. Consider yourself warned.

In Melissa, TX there is a beautiful place used for a bed and breakfast and events are held there and it’s an amazing place. I won’t tell you exactly where it is or what it’s called because I’m about to deter you and I don’t want to do that. First, we know the owner, so we were just going to check it out since I had never been. We weren’t staying there.

This place is on a large plot of land and it’s in the country and there are trees and snakes and spiders.

So I arrive to see this place and we are being shown around and ooohing and ahhing and it’s BEAUTIFUL. I would LOVE to live in this place. Stunning. So, it’s dark outside and we go to see the new gazebo and a clearing of land that the owner had been working on. About halfway 0ut, our flashlights catch sight of a spider. A large spider. OH Let me throw in that we had flashlights so that we could avoid walking up on a snake. Yeah SNAKES. ..anyway… we see the spider. and then another one. and another one. I froze. There are spiders everywhere. We were being surrounded. I’m in freakin flip-flops and shorts. I’m TERRIFIED of spiders. All I could think was GET BACK TO THE HOUSE NOW. But I couldn’t move. So I got a piggy back ride the rest of the way to the clearing. A grasshopper hit me in the leg. I freaked out. Someone threw grass at me. I freaked out. We get to the clearing and THERES A FRESH SNAKE PATH. What am I doing out here? Why didn’t anyone warn me?

There’s more to the story…about how I had to make it back to the house by piggy back and was still freaking out and hyperventilating due to the spiders, but I won’t go into all that. I’ll just say EFF You Spiders. Eff You. I won’t be back to visit. and I’ll kill you if you get in my house. Kind of. Because I can’t actually step on you because I’m to afraid that you will get me before I can get you. But somehow you will die and it will be slow and painful and might be death by air freshener spray or something…whatever is closest to me.

even in cages at the zoo. i will begin to hyperventilate

I might have a vivid imagination

I watch a LOT of Law and Order SVU on Netflix. Like a couple episodes a night and I LOVE it. But I’ll admit, sometimes it might get to me….

Home Alone. My mental breakdown began: Italics = my brain activity.

Time for bed – need to put the big dog updo I put him up in the kennel? What if someone breaks in? He won’t be able to stop them, will I hear him if he barks in the cage? Would he even bark? Crap. I’m not sure. Ok I’ll put him in the kennel…the little dog is out, he will warn me of danger and maybe the cat will attack.

In bed – start to fall asleep, wake up suddenlywhat was that? was that the dog moving? Yes. No? Wait, that noise…is that a drill? are they taking the hinges off the doors? Oh geeze. this is it. It’s happening….ok I need a plan:

Ok, I know where the gun is…can I reach it easily without giving away my position? is it loaded? hmm…ok do I know how to load it? Crap! Why didn’t I make sure to learn how to load it? Maybe I just need to get a bat. The bat is in the other room. In the closet. I should just sleep in the closet with the bat. Should I take Jake (the little dog) with me in the closet? Yes. He would give away my hiding spot if I left him out. Would I be able to keep him quiet in the closet with me? I’ll need a blanket for him to sleep under. He likes blankets. Maybe I’ll just stay up all night with the dog out, and sit on the couch with the bat and wait for the murderers and rapists…they’ll never expect me to be sitting on the couch.

No. Maybe I’ll just hide in the closet. Which closet? The kid closet? burglars will never look for jewels in a childs closet right? I don’t even have jewels. Will that make them angry?

Just calm down. Stay in bed. Go to sleep. You aren’t going to get murdered…

What if he breaks in my bathroom window? Then I can’t get to the gun…and he doesn’t have far to go to get to me. I’ll run out the front door…OH! Unless that’s what he wants me to do…what if his partner is waiting at the front door for me to let him in when I run? I’ll got to the back! Wait..there could be 3 of them. I’m screwed.

I’ll just wait in the bed and be calm and still and spring out of the bed like a cat when they walk in. If I’m loud and sound crazy, maybe they’ll run away…yeah. that’s what I’ll do…

In hindsight, I should have taken a Tylenol PM and a vodka treat and made myself pass out… Lesson learned.