Actual conversation with my husband. Actually, it’s a mostly one sided conversation where Chris just gives me strange looks because I am irrational. Obviously.
Chris: I almost bought the movie Jaws
Me: We don’t need that movie
Chris: Why not?
Me: I’m already afraid of the ocean. I don’t need anymore help with that
Chris: What? You’re afraid of the ocean, but you want to go to the ocean for vacation in August?
Chris: So, you aren’t getting in the ocean?
Me: A little
Me: I’m more likely to get in the ocean than I am to get in a lake
Chris: (strange look)
Me: I’m afraid of the lake
Chris: (more strange look but now it looks like if maybe he’s wondering what he got himself into with this marriage)
Me: I’m afraid of fish. I’m afraid they’ll bite me. And those hidden underwater trees? Those freak me out.
Chris: Is that why you don’t like to eat catfish?
Me: No, it’s already dead and can’t stab or bite me. I just don’t like to eat fish.
Chris: (continued strange looks)
Me: Also, I believe that there are snakes in lakes
Chris: There ARE snakes in lakes
Me: SEE?? I’m not getting in the lake. I was tortured as a child. The only way I’ll get in the lake is if I’m thrown off the tube. Which is why I’m really good at tube wars. I can stay on for a crazy long time. But when I get thrown off I float on my back and/or kick my legs and move my arms as much as possible so I scare the bitey animals.
Me. It’s a survival skill.
Chris: Why are we talking about lakes? We don’t even have plans to go to the lake.
Me: Stop judging me.
#1 – i don’t know how to use cactus or cacti or cactus’ in a sentence correctly so just deal with however it comes out in the following sentences.
With my desk at work I inherited 2 cactus. These poor cactus had no idea how doomed they were when they got me as an owner. I can’t keep anything alive. Luckily, cactus doesn’t need to be watered to often because I probably watered them once a month. Maybe. Well a couple months ago I got pulled to sit in another area to train some people. Those cactus just thought they were neglected before? HA! I didn’t water them or talk to them or touch them for at least 2 months. When I came back they looked sad. and dry. verrry dry. So I decided I was going to make it up to them. I cleaned up the pots they live in and watered them, aerated the soil and opened the blinds so they could see the outside. I dusted them (yeah, they had dust on them) and touched them so maybe they would be rejuvenated.
Well guess what. After like a week of lovin’, one of them developed three flower buds. HOLY CRAP! My neglect didn’t kill it!
This morning, it bloomed!! YES! I’m amazing! I’m a cactus genius! I have a green thumb! Take that world.
I just read an article called “9 ways to flatten your belly”. Doesn’t an article like this pop up like once a week with the same information each time? Duh, eat less carbs. Duh, don’t eat before bedtime. Duh, drink more water. Duh, cut out salt….it should basically just say Crappy Eating = Bulging Belly. Eat Lean, Be Lean.
So I came up with my own 9 ways to flatten your belly:
1. Run 3 miles and do 100 situps each day. That will probably work.
2. Lie flat on the floor and place an anvil on your stomach. Lay there for 1 hour each day for a flat tummy.
3. Put Duct tape around your torso to flatten out your tummy. At least it will LOOK like you have a flat tummy under your clothes. Use different colored duct tape each day to spice it up.
4. Wear a corset and pretend you live in the 1800’s, but brush your teeth and shower. Don’t literally pretend it’s the 1800’s. BONUS: your boobs will look awesome and perky. (boys…this tip is probably not for you, unless you’re into that or REALLY desperate for a flat tummy)
5. Imagine you have washboard abs by literally washing your clothes on them. Don’t they say if you imagine it, it can be so? Well, get to imagining…
6. Do a body wrap thing like every day. You know where they say they have some special formula of stuff that will take all the toxins out and you can lose 40 pounds in one session? Do that.
7. Wear really tight clothes to force your body to adapt to them and become flatter and tighter. The human body is mostly water, right? And water changes shape based on what it’s put in…right? Makes perfect sense.
8. Repeat #4. Only because it’s probably really fun wearing those dresses and pretending you’re from another century. You could change it up by adopting new accents. Just a thought.
9. Drink water. ..Just threw that one in, because water is good for everything and if you’re running 3 miles a day and doing 100 sit ups and putting anvils and duct tape and wraps on you, then you probably need some hydration.
Um…I thought the sign in the bathroom USUALLY said “employees must wash hands” or something along those lines. NOT in California. They conserve water out there.